Fandom: Thor (Disney fusion)
Summary: Thor is making plans to woo and marry Loki. Crack with neither end nor shame
Thor was staring at him again. It might be okay, Loki thought, if he only sometimes caught the man watching from across a crowded room. Or perhaps if he saw Thor far out of his way on Loki's side of town, just by coincidence. The problem was that, even though he did do those things, he also did this. The staring.
He was sitting a foot away from Loki's tree stump with his chin on his hands, staring. Loki was losing concentration on his book.
He was just about to open his mouth to tell Thor that there was a reason he came out to the forest's edge to do his reading, when the oaf said, "The answer is yes, you know."
Loki blinked. "I'm sorry?"
"Yes, I've noticed the way you look at me." Thor probably thought his smoulder was devastating. Loki wasn't going to tell him he was right. "And, yes, I'm going to put you out of your misery. Loki, I've decided to marry you!"
"I refuse." Belatedly, Loki remembered how his father told him to always be polite. "Thank you for the kind offer, though."
He turned back to his reading, hoping Thor would leave, but the book was yanked out of his hands. "What is this?" asked Thor.
A book. I'm not surprised you're unfamiliar. Loki swallowed the retort. "It's tempero-spatial reasoning. May I, Thor? I've just reached an interesting--"
"It doesn't even have any pictures." Thor flicked through the pages with a look of bewildered distaste. "Well, never mind. You won't need reasoning when we're married. It'll just be you, me, and the children..."
Loki took advantage of the dreamy look on his face to grab the book back before it was damaged. If he returned that book to the library in anything less than perfect condition there would be a reckoning. That librarian hated him. Without missing a beat, Thor lay down and placed his head in Loki's lap. Loki stiffened in horrified shock.
"Why don't you read to me?" he said cheerfully.
"Because I'm too busy reading to me, and I don't want to have to explain all the big words," Loki said, shocked out of politeness by the invasion of his personal space. He was probably imagining - definitely imagining the warmth of Thor's breath coming through the hem of his shirt. He mashed a hand over Thor's stupid face and pushed him away to stand.
Thor was standing before he took two steps and spun him back easily with a hand on his waist. "Now, Loki, don't be afraid, there's nothing to fear. Of course we were always going to be married! I'm the most sought after man in this town, and you're the most sought after..."
Loki, caged against Thor's barrel chest within his tree trunk arms, raised an eyebrow dangerously. "Yes, Thor? I would love to hear you finish that thought."
"Someday, perhaps you'll finish a thought before you start to say it."
Thor shrugged dismissively. "The most sought after of whatever you are." He released Loki from the cage of his arms, only to spread a warm hand at the base of his ribs and push him gently but firmly back against the nearest tree. He trapped Loki there with one hand, leaning on the other elbow over Loki's head.
"Please, Thor," Loki said coolly, voice loaded with disapproval, but still light enough not to burn bridges, "you have to stop." The way the last word trembled ruined it. Loki let out a shaky breath and enjoyed the way Thor's fingers twitched in response. They slid from Loki's stomach to his waist as Thor dipped his head to kiss him.
Loki stifled a moan, and barely noticed when the book he had forgotten he was holding fell from his fingers. And triggered the complex system of pulleys and ropes attached to the tree. Thor gave an undignified squawk as he was dragged away from Loki and up to hang tangled from the tree at head height.
Blinking, Loki hid his surprise almost successfully. Thor struggled in the ropes that held him up, and only managed to set himself gently turning in midair. "Loki, what...?"
"Did you forget I was the mad inventor's son?" Loki asked in a quiet voice. "I made this one myself. It looked like so much fun when father did it."
Thor tried to look dignified. "Loki, I forgive you completely, now let me dow-" Loki interrupted him with a firm kiss.
"The answer is no, you know," he said wryly, and walked away to find a more private place to finish reading.
Title: New, and a bit alarming
Fandom: Thor (Disney fusion)
Summary: Thor is persistent, and Loki ends up abruptly married. He's not sure how this happened.
Apparently, Thor was not a man to take 'no' for an answer. Loki was mystified, then, that he kept on asking questions to which no was the only answer. Especially when there were so many yeses in the village waiting to happen. The village was filled with nothing but yeses, in increasingly low cut shirts, and still the gormless lout insisted on chasing after Loki. The only person in the whole world who didn't want him.
It wasn't only proposals - the blithe assumption that Loki would marry him, and that all that remained was to arrange the wedding; which turned into wheedling visits where Thor extolled all his "obvious" virtues until Loki wanted to tear out his own hair. After the first blush of letting Loki know he was making wedding plans, Thor was everywhere.
He made sure not to corner Loki on the edge of the forest again, wary of clockwork net traps, but cemented Loki's assessment of him as an idiot by happily following Loki into his own home. Loki "accidentally" set his father's wood-chopping machine on him, but Thor only punched the machine into submission and rescued Loki from the wreckage. The wreckage that wouldn't have been dangerous if he had just consented to be chopped to pieces. Or even just run away like Loki had hoped. Loki thanked him stiffly for the rescue, and politely declined his proposal.
Thor tried gifts. He presented Loki with a book which, Loki admitted grudgingly, did prove that he at least knew who he was harassing. Courting, who he was courting. But the book was the kind with fewer than twenty pages, large type, large pictures and one or two sentences per page. Loki thanked him stiffly, and politely declined his proposal.
Thor asked Loki's father. That did not end well, for Thor or Loki's father. Neither of them saw Loki for two days after the dust settled.
Thor set about showing Loki what fine husband material he was without actually speaking to him. Loki was admittedly impressed - not because of the exaggerated displays of courtesy to old people and animals, but because Thor had apparently noticed that Loki did want to be talked to. Thor waited until Loki was in the tavern, roped in by the master of the house to help carry tankards, and started up the hunting stories. Loki was just getting tired of rolling his eyes when he noticed that Thor's stories made no sense at all. Or only as much sense as a children's storybook usually made. He was talking about things like a silver stag and a talking bird, and the adoring crowd was beginning to exchange uncertain glances. Loki hadn't read the book because Thor gave it to him, of course; he'd only read it because he couldn't sleep. But he could recognise when Thor was deliberately making an ass of himself to catch Loki's attention, and he swallowed.
When he went over to pick up the empty tankards from the table, Thor sat next to him as he bent low, and turned his head so that Loki could feel his breath along his cheek. "Not impressed," he muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "Try again later."
Thor was unperturbed. "You are smiling, though."
"You're imagining things."
Thor tried reasoning with him, and Loki should have known that would be just the worst thing he ever had to listen to. In fact, Loki did know it was going to be awful, but since Thor had cornered him in his own home, he still had no choice but to listen. And make Thor tea. He boiled the leaves out of pettiness, but Thor just took a sip, announced it was terrible, and then didn't drink it.
Loki stood trying unsuccessfully to steer him towards the door, and listened as Thor's attempts at convincing arguments grew steadily more insulting.
"...and of course, your beauty is the only thing capable of paralleling my own! We'd do the world a disservice to ignore that." That incredible coincidence that a village would have both a most attractive alpha male and a most attractive beta male at the same time. Loki rolled his eyes, where Thor couldn't see. "Just imagine the children Loki! Granted, they might have your..." he flicked his fingers at the bookshelves against the walls, "...brains, but I'm sure it's nothing a few weeks on the hunt wouldn't cure."
Loki glared at the back of his head, until he craned back in the chair to look at him, and Loki had to plaster over a look of polite interest. Polite, yet discouraging interest. That was difficult. "Let's face facts, Loki. Who else are you going to marry? I'm willing to overlook all your obvious defects, but you haven't been swimming in suitors."
"The mistake you make is that you assume I would rather have you than no one at all!" Loki burst at last, unable to contain it. "Frankly, I would rather die alone and be spared your company! It may be difficult for your pea brain to comprehend, Thor, but I don't think I could bear night after night of talking about how handsome you are, and what a fine hunter you are, and how many muscles you have -- You're the worst conversationalist I have ever met, you're completely devoid of charm, and... and you smell just awful! What, do you bathe in the muck of the things you hunt to cultivate a sense of... why are you looking at me like that?"
Thor was gazing at him with widening smile and the same look of indulgence in his eyes as every time he looked at Loki. "I was beginning to think you were incapable of sincerity."
For a second Loki grasped for words, tongue frozen in fury. "...incapable...?" Thor took advantage of his indisposition to stand in his personal space and trail a finger down his throat.
"You look ravishing like this."
Loki sat down with a thump and Thor followed him down, bending over him so that he had to crane his neck up. "Well! I'm so pleased that my anguish is so attractive to you, Thor!"
"I like you best when you forget to be polite." Thor's hand slid up Loki's neck to play with his hair. "Loki, I'm going to kiss you now."
"Don't!" Angrily, he reached up to bat Thor's hand away, but somehow his fingers ended up tangled with Thor's. Thor gifted him with a wolfish grin.
"...is exactly once too many! Thor, don't you dare..." The last few words were spoken into Thor's mouth as he closed the distance between them. The kiss was warm and electric and Loki could taste the smug grin on Thor's lips. He thought about biting.
He wondered why he didn't bite.
After that, Loki didn't spend more than two seconds alone with Thor. If Thor walked into a room, he walked out of it. If Thor set foot on a street in the village, Loki would leave. It would have been more polite (if unlikely to happen) if he let Thor make his apology and graciously accepted it, but, well. Thor liked Loki best when he wasn't polite.
"Really, Loki, the way you hurt him so-!"
The three women spoke over each other, and even though they hadn't so much as bothered with the niceties of 'hello', Loki didn't have to ask who 'him' referred to. Thor's fan club had decided to break their twenty-minute long silence on the subject of his 'betrothal' to Loki. Oh, wonderful. Loki didn't put down his book.
He did, however, adjust his grip so that when Sigyn tried to pull it out of his hands he could shrug her off with a tiny smirk. She glared.
"Honestly!" said Sif hotly, "If you're addled enough in the head that you don't want him, at least give him to one of us! I would take great care with him--"
"Though if he prefers the more bookish type," interrupted Jane, "then the clear choice would be me..."
"It's not fair!" Sigyn squeaked with a little foot stomp. "You don't even deserve him!"
That caught Loki's attention, though he still didn't look away from the page. He just stopped reading to narrow his eyes. Sigyn continued as though she hadn't noticed which, considering that her head appeared to be filled with mostly air and sawdust, was possibly the case. "Certainly you're pretty, but your personality is all wrong for him!"
"It's true," agreed Sif eagerly. "You have such a terrible attitude."
"You barely look up when he returns from his triumphant hunts!"
"And it always feels like you're just not making an effort," Jane said. "Would it kill you to laugh at his jokes?"
"He doesn't make jokes," Loki pointed out, provoked away from his reading.
"That's not true!" insisted Jane. "He said just yesterday that he thought Volstagg might be a more skilled trapper than he was!"
"Yes, you see, that's not what a joke sounds like," Loki explained, but they were off again.
"You're always reading instead of looking at him."
"You have dust on your elbows--"
"I think you'd be a terrible mother."
"Your house is a mess; how would you keep his clean?"
"You just don't fit in--"
"If you had any honour you would stop chasing after him!"
"Thor!" Loki cut across them, shouting over the village square to where he saw a sadly familiar head of golden hair. Thor looked up from what was no doubt a fascinating discussion of his biceps and smiled with delight when he saw who was deigning to speak to him.
"What is it, my dulcet darling?" he asked, jogging over. Sif, Jane and Sigyn receded into swooning silence.
"Would you like to get married?"
The simpering women behind him turned stock still in shock, but Thor didn't miss a beat. "I've booked the chapel for Friday next!" he beamed.
Initiative stolen, Loki scowled. "Really, Thor," he chided, "This marriage is never going to work if you're always so slow on the uptake. You may tell the chaplain that we'll be married tomorrow." Thor darted in to seal their engagement with a kiss, but Loki held up a hand and allowed him to kiss his knuckles instead.
After Thor bounded off in search of the chaplain, Loki settled himself back with his book. "Now," he said to Sif, Jane and Sigyn, "If you'll excuse me, I was in the middle of some reading."
Sigyn burst into tears.
The elation of having something that your enemy wants lasts all of three hours before panic sets in and Loki realises just what he's agreed to. By three hours after the proposal, Thor has intimidated half the town into hanging bunting in celebration of his nuptials. Loki might head for the hills if his intended weren't the best tracker in the village.
The morning of his wedding he tells his father he can't possibly be married today because he doesn't have a thing to wear. His father presents him with the wedding suit he had commissioned with all of their money the day Loki came of age - Loki almost sees an opening there, but the suit fits him perfectly. Apparently the fact that he doesn't eat means that he hasn't changed size since his eighteenth birthday. I want this for you, says his father. I'm grateful you've found a man like Thor. He'll take care of you. Loki does not want to punch his own father in the face.
Loki doesn't know how to be a wife. If he explains that to someone, they'll put a stop to this. The chapel is full of flowers and Loki hates flowers. That's why he can't get married. He'll tell the chaplain. On his way he sees Thor through an open door and by the time Loki's done laughing at his ridiculous string necktie he's somehow halfway up the aisle.
Afterwards, Loki hears Thor's parents critiquing the ceremony - Loki's lines in particular. I'm sure that 'I do' was not supposed to be a question, says his mother, and his father replies, I don't know whether I believed the boy's commitment to the idea. Loki asks them if they would have preferred a son in law with a more practised delivery and a cellar full of locked doors, and they shut up quickly. Then Thor wants to dance with his bride and it's exactly as awful as Loki thought it would be.
The wedding night. Loki decides it's time to tell Thor that he thinks he's made some kind of mistake, and he's going home thank you very much. He gets as far as opening his mouth before Thor pulls him in with a hand in his hair and envelops him. Surprised speechless, Loki feels himself come alive in ways he never knew he wanted to. And for the first time Thor looks into his eyes and Loki feels seen.
The morning after the wedding night. No one in the village will meet Loki's eye, and Loki knows exactly why. He needs to work on staying quiet, but he refuses to take any of the blame for that. How was he supposed to know what it would feel like? Thor should have warned him.
A week after the wedding. It turns out that Loki is no good at staying quiet. At all.
A month after the wedding. Loki may be insistent that he doesn't know how to be a wife, but when Thor is injured on a hunt he spends three hours shouting at everyone who could be remotely held to blame. He terrorises the village physician while she bandages his husband's arm, and then forbids Thor from hunting again until he grows a survival instinct. Thor first laughs, then cringes, then buys Loki a library to distract him. Loki mutters darkly about the inane choice of books, but no one sees him around the village for four days and Thor is extra smug as he hunts with his friends.
When Loki decides he's through with provincial towns and sets out to find adventure like he's read about he brings Thor with him, because he'd be terrible at hunting for his own food. And because he loves him. The village talks about how the dashing Thor has gone in pursuit of glory, and how his dutiful wife has followed, and Loki can't find it in himself to care. Three weeks out, they slay a terrifying beast who's taken over a castle and is wearing the former occupant's clothes. They storm the castle itself, but there isn't anyone there to rescue. Strange that none of the furniture is broken, what with the beast and all - only moved around and left in odd places, like the tea service was visiting the clock in the foyer. They throw the old stuff out and move their own furniture in, then carry on with their travels.
They live happily ever after.